The Song and the Flame

My Apollo shrine has been rearranged. I found a nice copper oil lamp on a tripod base that just… jumped off the shelf into my basket, I swear it did! So of course I had to take it home and make good use of it. I wanted to use olive oil in it, but a little investigation revealed that for this particular style of lamp, olive oil might not work as well. So it’s just running on standard lamp oil for now. The taper candles also looked really strange then, since the lamp is more squat than the candle I previously had in that spot, so I replaced them with tea lights.

Other than that detail, not much has changed lately. I want to get back to doing some development, but I have to be honest with myself… When I’m 6-7 months pregnant is not the time to be doing that. I’ll get back to it eventually, but right now my daily and weekly practices are at least holding relatively steady.

The altar cloth is finished.  I’ve put it on the altar and actually gone ahead and rearranged things.  Now there are two beeswax tapers at the back, with a three-legged votive candleholder containing a beeswax votive between them.  (Beeswax being yellowish, which seems appropriate, and although I don’t know that Apollo has a preference, they fit my preference for natural and locally-made.)  In front of the votive is the dish holding my spare change to be donated to health-related charities.  Under it all is the altar cloth, turned so that its corners drape over the edges of the altar, with the sun on the front corner.

During ritual, a bowl to recieve libations goes left-front, with whatever I’m libating from behind it.  Right rear is where the incense bowl goes, with the mortar and pestle containing the incense in front of it.

I’ll post pictures when I get a chance.

I dedicated it today.  I wish I’d thought this through a little better…  I wound up kind of stumbling, fumbling for what I should do and say, because I hadn’t really planned it out very well.  I got caught up in planning what was going to be present at the ritual and forgotten to think about the mechanics of the whole thing, I think.

This was my first experiment with loose incense.  I found the ingredients easily enough; I wanted to do frankincense, cinnamon and bay (4:2:1 ratio respectively), all things that the local coop carries in bulk.  (They carry frankincense in bulk.  And myrrh, though it was out of stock this week.  I love this place.)  I got a relatively small amount of each, relatively inexpensively, and I think it’ll be enough to last me for some time.  It was difficult to grind them together with the mortar and pestle as advised, but I got it after a few minutes.  The charcoal startled me–I had heard that it would “spark across the surface”, but didn’t have a good feel for what that meant.  After I got it started, things mostly went smoothly, but I think I might have used too much incense at a time and smothered the charcoal or something.  I have a better feel for it now, though, and I think the next time I try this I’ll do better at it.  I wish I’d thought of it before; it turns out to be less intimidating than I’d thought.

Well, I think I did pretty well. I pretty much stuck to my really simple good morning/good evening stuff. I did really poorly at remembering some other things; the abnormal schedule just really threw me off.

I got most of the work done on the altar cloth. The actual sun is done. It looks a little bit crappy in some places, but I think the main point was to do it myself, and to do the best I could. Which I did. I have to finish up the little swirly things going off to the sides; I’ll post pictures when it’s done.

I did make it down to the beach for sunrise on the Solstice. It was wonderful. I took a few pictures, and Tim took a lot of pictures, both of the sun over the sea and of me standing there looking out over the sea at the rising sun. Naturally, just after we decided to go back to the house, things got even more beautiful… So no pictures of the best part of the sunrise. But I still more or less saw it, so that’s OK, at least.

Spiritually, this was actually a really disturbing trip for me. I have always identified strongly with water, and in the past when I’ve visited the ocean there’s been this kind of “welcome home” feeling to it. It’s kind of the ultimate water experience, being able to immerse myself in the ocean. This time… I don’t know what went wrong. I am at a complete and utter loss here. The first night, when we all went down and just sort of stood in the surf, that was great. But after that, somehow things got… scary. The Atlantic no longer felt as welcoming as it had in the past. The waves actually really scared me. Not that I thought I was going to get dragged out to sea or anything, but just–just the thought of one coming down too close to me was really frightening.

Tim’s theory is that I did get swept under and dragged (shoreward) the first time we were down there during the day, and that scared me. But… I’m pretty sure that’s happened to me on previous trips, and it didn’t have this effect. The waves just felt… really menacing, to the point where the last time we were down there Tim was kind of acting like he might just pick me up and throw me in, meaning it all in fun, and I thought I might seriously have hysterics if he did. I don’t know what went wrong. It’s depressing and disturbing, to have something that has previously been so very comforting to me turn into a source of fear.

It’s been a while since I’ve just done a general “where am I”… In fact, I’m not sure I ever have. Thought this would be a good time.

I am, at the moment, still feeling the pull toward Greek practices. I’m unsure of myself, nervous, a little shy of actually talking about it much or using the word “recon”. I still feel, though, that this is something definitely worth pursuing and focusing on. Despite all of this, I find I still don’t think of myself as a Hellenic pagan. I think that’s really more insecurity than anything. That may be its own post, though.

I have taken some steps toward this. I have perused some Web sites, I have read Old Stones, New Temples and have some other scholarly works on my to-read list. I have read some primary source material and made plans to read more. I have started actively looking for some sort of online community to sort of listen in on, and joined a couple of mailing lists. I have started reevaluating my practices and incorporating information I have gleaned from all of the above sources as well as discussions on TC into said practice.

I have also sort of dabbled a little more in divination. However, to ensure that I do not get sidetracked, I have put this on the back-burner until I’ve done more work on my religious path. I am exercising some self-control and not just running after the next shiny thing that comes along.

I am reevaluating my altar configuration. I am embroidering an altar cloth for it, and when that is complete I will probably rearrange it. The fountain is coming off, the altar cloth going on, and I am switching candleholders out at the very least. Anything else is currently undecided.

That’s all I can think of right now…

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that something needs added to my little work-shrine to fill the hole the candle left.  I’m not sure it has to be anything like a candle, though.  I don’t need the candle for the little daily noon-thing I do, really.  As for representations of flame, well, the sun-image pretty well takes care of that, doesn’t it?  But something’s missing, I think.  Something needs to go in there.  I’m not sure what yet.  It may be an “I’ll know it when I see it” kind of thing.

Well, the altar cloth is all ready to go.  I have the supplies (I’d still like to find variegated orange and yellow floss, but I have plain-color already if I don’t find that) and the pattern has been transferred onto the linen.  All I have left to do is embroider it and trim the one edge so that it’s a square.  I think it’s looking pretty good so far, or rather as good as a plain old pattern on linen will look.

I think I’m going to wait until vacation to do the actual embroidery.  I’m not sure why; I mean, I could start it any time I wanted to, and it’s a relatively small project.  It just…  seems like the thing to do.

I’m also thinking sunrise on the Solstice on the beach.  It’ll be the middle of the week we’re there.

I had started doing a prayer at noon, and at the same time lighting a candle, then leaving it lit for half an hour or so.  (I was rather proud of myself for coming up with a little Apollo-shrine that could sit on my desk in plain sight:  a sun-image like the one I use in this blog, flanked by “I donated to/support these causes” pins for women’s heart health and breast cancer, all of the above pinned to the cube wall just above desk level, with the candle sitting in front of the whole thing.)  This practice kind of hit a brick wall today when I found out that open flame is a no-no in my workspace.  Silly company, not wanting its cubes burnt down.

So now I’m trying to decide what to do about it.  Obviously, actually lighting a candle is right out.  But is it so important to have that aspect of what’s going on that I need to come up with a substitute?  Will a substitute do?  Or is it better to just let it go if I can’t have the real thing?

First one: the altar cloth. I’ve about got it down now. I have a stylized sun in the corner, and then a few tendrils of color coming out to the sides as borders for the piece. It’ll be white linen, embroidered in yellow and orange with gold edging using what I think is called a satin stitch, placed so that the embroidered corner hangs down in front of the altar. I just need to get the materials, of which I have found all but the linen. (And there I’m really just still shopping around; I know where I can get it, if I need it on short notice.) I’ll probably do this on vacation.

Second one: A ring. When I was in Seattle on business last Thursday, we took some time to see the sights, including Pike Place Market. In the market was a little store with all kinds of jewelry and knick-knacks and things in it. In one display case was a ring. The band is silver (or imitation thereof, more likely). The stone is an oval cabochon of amber the color of wildflower honey, set so that the long axis is in line with the band. On either side of the stone, the band kind of pinches in and there’s an oval inscribed at the pinch–looks almost like a link in a chain. I’d felt, all through the shopping trip, as though I were looking for something of religious significance but just didn’t know what it was. This was it.

The ring now lives on the altar when it’s not on my hand. I put it on in the morning after my “good morning” routine, and last thing before going to bed I take it off and put it back in its place on the altar with a whispered “good night”. In addition to being one of those “just feels right” things and serving a similar purpose to my necklace, it also gives me a nice way to end the day. I had been kind of feeling like I needed to figure something like that out–well, as I said, this was it. I do need to find something for it to rest in when it’s on the altar; right now, it goes in the dish with the spare change. I don’t think that’s right, but I also can’t leave it just sitting out because the cats will bat it right off if I do.

Definite changes ahead for the altar setup. It’s staying as-is for now until I figure out what exactly to do, but when I get everything figured out it will change.

The fountain is out. It hasn’t really got a place there. The blue water cup will go with it, of course; that doesn’t have a function without the fountain.

I’m also switching candles around for sure. I’ve gotten a couple of gentle nudges about a candleholder which is essentially a tripod, currently residing in the kitchen. It’s going on the altar as Apollo’s candle.

I think the two taper candles will stay. I don’t have a specific purpose for them, but I think that general-purpose light, as well as flame, has a place on this altar.

I’m playing with the idea of an altar cloth, but haven’t decided what to do about it yet. Maybe I’ll indulge in the rare bit of personal craftsmanship and embroider something? Except I’m not sure I have the ability to do that, and I really don’t want to use some half-assed crap embroidery job as a sacred item even if it is a product of my own efforts. (Bad enough that one drawer of the altar is falling apart.) I’ll have to think about it.

And of course I need a small dish for the spare change. I’ll probably pick that up this weekend at the coop, since I know they have the sort of thing I want.

I think I dreamt something relevant to religion night before last. It’s coming back very, very slowly and I can’t be sure of it… I seem to recall dropping a penny and bending to pick it up, and thinking, “No, no, leave it for Hermes,” and picking it up anyway. And then sitting it on a counter around which many pennies were stacked in decorative arrangements.

I also kind of think I remember trying to slip in a quick prayer somewhere without whoever I was with noticing. I briefly extended my arms in front of me toward… I’m not sure what. There was a reason behind my direction, but I don’t remember what. At any rate, the pose was very much what I’ve seen described as the proper posture for Greek prayer–standing up, arms out, palms forward.

Later I also remembered something about some dish with big pieces of mushroom in it which, in the dream I connected to Hera.

Then last night my dream included me trying to find a place to set up sort of an impromptu altar in a gymnasium. I had some barley, I think, and something or other to put it in that required electricity. So I kept hunting for an out of the way corner with an outlet to plug it into. I found it, and then got distracted and forgot to do anything with the altar materials.

The simplest explanation is often the most applicable: I kind of dove into research headfirst yesterday and the day before (moreso the day before) and it’s not surprising that my subconscious would still be running through that in dreamtime. Nonetheless, things to think about. Somewhat. If I can remember them.