The Song and the Flame

Maybe dishonest isn’t the right word. But I feel… dirty, not-good, sitting here at work and not doing anything. Not living up to my responsibility, not doing what I’ve agreed to do, not even trying, being fucking lazy… This is not the person I want to be, and I don’t think it’s exactly pleasing my Patron either. I feel almost as though I am profaning or something when I ask for guidance through the day but know that I will just sit there wishing I could concentrate and not doing anything about it.

I must get this under control. I’ve tried, I’ve wrestled with it, and it’s only going to be more difficult now with the pregnancy fatigue and such thrown in. But I have to do something about it. I have to stop wallowing in this non-productivity.

I’ve been saying that for nearly a year now, I think… And I do get things done, it’s not like I’m totally out of it, completely. But I could do so much better, and I know I could, if I could just… think. Focus. Concentrate. Work. Stop being so damned distracted, stop giving excuses.

Just breathe. Just do it.

(Wow, I’m doing so well with this blog. One entry a month. Whew. No one can keep up, I bet, I’m posting so fast.)

I’m six weeks pregnant.

I say this here even though I won’t over on my main blog yet for the same reason I announced it on TC; I’d be absolutely shocked to find out that anyone at work actually reads this thing. (Hell, lately I’d be shocked to find out anyone reads it at all.) Everyone else who needs to know already knows.

Emotionally I’m excited and scared and a little in shock. (Shock, despite this being a planned pregnancy. Yeah, I know.) Physically I’m tired, a little queasy, and tender in odd places. Spiritually, I feel like someone just turned the room 90 degrees and I’m still trying to find my balance back. Or maybe it’s 180 degrees.

It’s like when we found out for sure I dove into jell-o. It’s difficult to move, to remember, to do anything religious, to… just to be anything spiritually or religiously right now. There are moments of connection, yes, but overall it’s just hard all of the sudden. Not that it was easy before, but even less so now. And I barely even feel pregnant yet! How much worse is it going to get as the weeks wear on?

It is possible that part of this effect is from the holiday season, which always throws me all out of whack because of the interruptions in my schedule. I like my schedule. It keeps me on track… mostly. My schedule is irregular during the holidays, though, and has been made even more so by this pregnancy thing. (My eating schedule, once the backbone of my work day, just does not work anymore.)

I barely know what to do. Try my best, I guess. Do what I can. But that seems so inadequate. I want to be thinking ahead. I want to have some sort of idea of what’s going to happen after Baby is born, how that’s going to affect my religious life. Because it will. I want to think through what this means for me religiously and spiritually. But wow, it’s hard right now.