The Song and the Flame

There’s this discussion about the concept of darkness going on over at TC, and Shadow and I have been going back and forth over it for a while.  I keep getting these sort of “ah-ha!” moments where as I’m typing a response I’ll have an insight into some way in which this all applies to me very personally, sort of mini-self-thwaps.

But by the time I’m done with the post I can’t remember what they were.

*sigh*  This happens, lately.  I’ll have this great, wonderful epiphany, and I’ll really get it…  for about five minutes.  And then when I try to articulate it, it all just kind of flies out the window and goes bye-bye.

Occasionally I get worried about this whole “Apollo is my Patron” thing. Not by the relationship itself, mind you! But by my reactions to it. Sometimes I worry that I’m focusing on Apollo too much, almost falling into monotheistic patterns… when I am emphatically polytheistic. I don’t want to do that. (Extra attention, yes, fine and good and appropriate. Sole focus? Not so much.) I think perhaps it’s just habit or something.

Habit, and not being sure entirely what else to do. I’ve not had much luck with figuring out ways to bring an awareness of other deities, particularly Greeks, into my religious life. I think perhaps I’ve been asking the wrong questions. I keep asking how other people honor deities other than their patrons, but I don’t think I’ve ever asked it in this particular context. I think I’ve been hesitant to call attention to this little problem of mine, so I’ve always phrased it very vaguely and non-personally. Which has gotten me some answers which, while totally accurate, aren’t that helpful to my particular situation.

I’m doing a bit better now than I have done at some points in the past. I’m more conscious of other deities’ spheres of influence and better about at least thanking Them when appropriate… when it occurs to me. But I think I could still use some work. And who knows, that might be something that develops as I get deeper and deeper into this Greek stuff. I think that’s what’s prompted it so far. Perhaps it’s been partly a question of “the more you know, the more you can apply”. Or something.

Occasionally mini-thwaps just sort of pop up out of nowhere. Well, not nowhere, but unexpected places. The weirdest things can become significant. In this case it’s… well, sort of a line from a song, but it was really just one word that got hit with the emphasis. The rest came in as I continued to think about it, like echoes or aftershocks.

I was reading through a previous entry and thinking how sometimes it just feels like there’s no one out there, and I start to wonder if it isn’t all in my head. At the same time, my iPod was playing “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. Somehow, this line snuck up and hit me over the head: “But that’s a choice I made long ago.” The emphasis was on the word “choice”.

It is. Belief is a choice, one that I have made long since. I choose to believe when even my own mind refuses to present any evidence to support what I’m believing. Why? Because I know that I believed at the time, and I know why. I know that my experiences felt real then, were real, however abstract the idea of them is now. And by observing my past history, I can predict with a fair expectation of accuracy, that the “real” feeling will return in time.

I choose to believe. Consciously, with my eyes wide open, not with full knowledge perhaps but at least knowing my own limits. Somehow this feels like a very powerful thing.

I’ve lately realized that my whole concept of religion right now is very serious. You can sort of see this if you look back through older blog entries; I’m all about the not using things frivilously and the being more formal and less chatty and things like that.

I think honestly some of it comes from feeling more comfortable with more serious stuff right now… But also some of it may be just that there are so many things going on in my head right now that it’s difficult for fun to chip out a place for itself. I’m trying to figure out things like what place ritual has in my practice and what holidays, if any, are important for me to celebrate. I’m (at least theoretically) trying to sort out beliefs about things like death… and life. I’m trying to pack all kinds of new knowledge into my head, currently courtesy of Burkert, but I’ve got plans beyond that too. I’m trying to come to terms with potentially adopting an actual label to describe myself much more specifically than “Generic Pagan”. There are miscellaneous other issues that I’m not sure why I haven’t gotten into here. It’s a lot to fit in. Although it doesn’t feel that much like an upheaval internally, when you look at it, it kind of is. …Of course, it has been for a while anyway, I guess.
I can’t decide what to think about all of this.

On the one hand, it’s not like I think that fun in religion is a bad thing. Quite the opposite! I think fun is a good thing. It keeps one from being overwhelmed by more weighty issues. It gives a sense of perspective, in some ways. It keeps things… well, fun.

On the other hand, if I don’t feel the need for fun stuff right now, is that a bad thing? Sometimes one has to go through serious phases, doesn’t one? If I don’t feel particularly pulled toward “fun stuff” right now, hey, maybe it’s just not meant to be right now.

And the truth is that right now I’m generally just fine with the way things are going. I get a little worried when I sort of look at the situation as though from outside, though. It feels OK when I’m in it, but am I losing something important here? Am I losing the balance of levity?

I haven’t said much lately because there’s not been too much to say. I’m working my way through Burkert and trying to absorb it all; I’m keeping up with my daily practice; I’ve not had a lot of terribly notable thoughts to post lately. I think this is kind of an overall slump; I’ve noticed it’s harder for me to find interesting things to say on my other two blogs too.

I do have a report to make, though. The tat is happening. I’m not even going to be all “I hope” here; I’m thinking positive. The terms are outlined in this post on my main blog.

I have to admit, at first I was a little disappointed because of how long it’s going to take. I think I kind of had a bit of a childish “wannit NOW!” kind of reaction. But in the end I’ve come to the conclusion that this is quite appropriate. It’s something I have to work for and really put some effort into, not just wander in and fork over some cash and sit down for an hour or so. (The needle thing, having done it once, doesn’t bother me much this time around.) And the whole thing of having to earn it through healthy living specifically seems to fit in pretty well with the entire idea of, you know, honoring Apollo. So I’m all about the earning thing now.

And it does strike me that I wanted to come up with some way I could help with the cost–well, that was earning it too, in a way. I think this might be a more appropriate way, and a way for me to earn it more fully, if that makes sense.

I was writing a post to Shad about our respective interactions with Apollo (mine are more formal these days, hers are more informal chats) and began to think about the formality of my part of those interactions. I think it’s a little more than just “this works for me”; I think the whole relationship, from both sides, seems to work better with the formality. Throughout this entry, I refer to my own experience and practice only; I don’t wish to sound like I’m looking down on a less-formal practice (Shad’s or otherwise) at all, or calling it names, or anything like that.

I’m beginning to get the sense that… It’s just time for me to stand on my own for a bit. Not a total withdrawal, just… Not the kind of intensive guidance I got for a bit there when I was first thwapped and was trying to figure all of this (“this” being both a deity relationship and Paganism in general) out. And the formality is, partly, a way to keep something there but also maintain that distance. I think.

I’ve thought in the past when I felt kind of “alone” that there was just a lesson I had to learn on my own, but this is a little different. I think this is more truly what I was thinking of when I was thinking of those things. I feel like… I feel like I’m being given a task, the task of learning and putting pieces together (in a more specific way than previously; this makes no sense in words, but it does in my head), and then being left to it. I’ll be back to check on you later, that kind of thing. Previously, there was just a fear that I was being ignored, abandoned, or worse, that I was unintentionally doing the ignoring or abandoning. This time… Not so much. I’m definitely getting the sense of assignment and withdrawal, and as I find the ways to express that, it’s getting stronger and more certain. Almost kind of “OK, good, she got the message.”

I had thought I was articulating this pretty well, but I’ve just realized I’ve left out a lot about isolation forcing one to grow and learn and change in ways that might not otherwise have happened. Except not as bleak as that sounds! I may have to give that another go later.

I’ve been thinking a bit about this whole ritual thing. Specifically, I was thinking that maybe I should do one Saturday while Tim’s off having fun and unfortunately not going to the Seether concert, since I’ll have all afternoon and evening to myself.

Then I was writing my previous entry about structure, and I got to the part where I was all about how I work better when I know this is when this happens, and this is what’s involved. Somewhere in there, I made a connection…

What would be involved in this ritual? What purpose is it accomplishing? Ritual for worship’s sake? I do worshipful things all the time now–both formal and informal. I greet the Sun, I pour monthly libations. I feel like the full formal ritual is sort of redundant in that context. And… There’s nothing else right now. I have nothing to ask for, nothing particular that needs a formal thanking for.

I think it may be time to reevaluate the role of full, formal ritual in my practice. I think it still has a role, but I think that perhaps that role is changing. I need to find out what it’s changing to. Or has changed to already. Whichever.

In the meantime, I think what I will do Saturday is something lower-key… Probably light some incense and candles, at least. But not the big all-out ritual thing.

I have recently come to the surprising realization that I do need structure. I talk a big game about the lack of structure being freeing, because I can do whatever feels right and fits together in a way that makes sense to me, and not have to worry about whether I’m doing it “right” or not. But in the end, it’s not as wonderful as it sounds.

For me. I’m sure other people do just wonderfully with free-form, informal religion; I’m just talking about me here.

The thing with that nebulous, free-form stuff is… I don’t get anything done. Nothing ever happens. Because I’m a horrible procrastinator. (I’m procrastinating work right now and have been all morning!) But if I have a set schedule, I need to do this on this day and this is how it should go–that I can usually do a lot better. Usually. Sometimes I get scattered and things don’t get done, but… Mostly, structure and schedules help.

You’d think there would be a great deal of anxiety over whether I’m doing things “right” or not. It would certainly be in-character. I always, in everything, expect perfection from myself and start hating on myself when I don’t deliver. But here… Not so much. I mean, I feel bad when I screw up. But I note it and move on and try to do better next time. I don’t know why religion is different from everything else in my life in that respect.

It’s really, really funny in some ways. It’s like some kind of big cosmic joke. A few years ago, when I dropped Wicca (after not quite a year, I decided it really wasn’t the perfect fit I’d thought) and went floating off into the Pagan ether searching for… something… one of my big things was that I didn’t like structure. I was getting next to no feedback on what I was doing, and I didn’t like that, and I felt like I was only doing things because I “should”, and I didn’t like that. Now… I don’t get as much feedback anymore as I did a couple of years ago, but I don’t mind. I know, I have faith, that that connection is still there, and just because I don’t have a deity hanging over my shoulder every minute doesn’t mean that He’s not still around. I do things because I “should”, but now I mean that in the sense that I genuinely feel this is the best way for me to do things even if occasionally it feels a little silly or forced. It’s, like, almost a complete about-face.

My religion is becoming highly structured… And I’m comfortable with that. Who would have known?