The Song and the Flame

Well, I think I did pretty well. I pretty much stuck to my really simple good morning/good evening stuff. I did really poorly at remembering some other things; the abnormal schedule just really threw me off.

I got most of the work done on the altar cloth. The actual sun is done. It looks a little bit crappy in some places, but I think the main point was to do it myself, and to do the best I could. Which I did. I have to finish up the little swirly things going off to the sides; I’ll post pictures when it’s done.

I did make it down to the beach for sunrise on the Solstice. It was wonderful. I took a few pictures, and Tim took a lot of pictures, both of the sun over the sea and of me standing there looking out over the sea at the rising sun. Naturally, just after we decided to go back to the house, things got even more beautiful… So no pictures of the best part of the sunrise. But I still more or less saw it, so that’s OK, at least.

Spiritually, this was actually a really disturbing trip for me. I have always identified strongly with water, and in the past when I’ve visited the ocean there’s been this kind of “welcome home” feeling to it. It’s kind of the ultimate water experience, being able to immerse myself in the ocean. This time… I don’t know what went wrong. I am at a complete and utter loss here. The first night, when we all went down and just sort of stood in the surf, that was great. But after that, somehow things got… scary. The Atlantic no longer felt as welcoming as it had in the past. The waves actually really scared me. Not that I thought I was going to get dragged out to sea or anything, but just–just the thought of one coming down too close to me was really frightening.

Tim’s theory is that I did get swept under and dragged (shoreward) the first time we were down there during the day, and that scared me. But… I’m pretty sure that’s happened to me on previous trips, and it didn’t have this effect. The waves just felt… really menacing, to the point where the last time we were down there Tim was kind of acting like he might just pick me up and throw me in, meaning it all in fun, and I thought I might seriously have hysterics if he did. I don’t know what went wrong. It’s depressing and disturbing, to have something that has previously been so very comforting to me turn into a source of fear.

Getting Greek Religion from the library was actually kind of a trial. Mostly because I got confused… If the book had simply not been there, I think I would have realized quicker that I was in the wrong part of the library. But actually the original text, in German, was located in the first place I looked. Because there was a copy of the book there in the wrong language, though, I thought that they’d simply not noted that their copy wasn’t the translation, or it had been miscatalogued, or something. So I spent nearly an hour trying to see if I could find the translation anywhere in the area, and if I could remember any of the other titled I’d wanted.

Never did either, but I did look the book up again and realize I was in the wrong section. Then it took me all of about five minutes to find, including travel time from one tower to the other.

However, this did work to my benefit, because I saw that the university library seems to have a well-populated section on ancient Greek religion. Some of it, unfortunately, in languages I don’t read–but it’s probably worth my while to peruse.

I’ve come to a conclusion. This indecision I’m wrestling with over the whole Greek thing? It’s not really indecision about “the whole Greek thing”. It’s not indecision about which direction to go. It’s indecision about finding the line between “Greek-influenced eclectic” and “Hellenic Pagan”. Actually it’s not even that, because I think the line is somewhere thataway and well-enough defined for me to figure out which side I’m on. It’s indecision over accepting the label.

The problems? All silly things. Personal insecurity, mostly. And I don’t know that I can expand upon this without repeating things I’ve already said in previous posts… It’s the fear of being seen as a “newbie” with all that entails; it’s the fear that someone who knows better will come along and point out that I’m doing it all wrong (and be correct); it’s the fear that I won’t be able to stick with it; it’s the fear of not knowing where to start or what to do because, you know, neither life nor religion comes with an instruction manual. The feeling that I haven’t “earned” the label yet because I’m just starting. It’s just downright scary.

IOW: What I’m wrestling with here isn’t so much any real choice… I’m back to my own inner demons again. Why does it always come back to that? I’m so tired of them, as I’m sure other people must be too. I mean that… I’m just exhausted and I just want them to go away. Sheesh.

I don’t even know, really, what I’m trying to say with this post. I felt like I needed to get something out, but what’s coming out just feels stupid and repetitive and stuff, and now I just feel kind of empty and down and tired.

It’s been a while since I’ve just done a general “where am I”… In fact, I’m not sure I ever have. Thought this would be a good time.

I am, at the moment, still feeling the pull toward Greek practices. I’m unsure of myself, nervous, a little shy of actually talking about it much or using the word “recon”. I still feel, though, that this is something definitely worth pursuing and focusing on. Despite all of this, I find I still don’t think of myself as a Hellenic pagan. I think that’s really more insecurity than anything. That may be its own post, though.

I have taken some steps toward this. I have perused some Web sites, I have read Old Stones, New Temples and have some other scholarly works on my to-read list. I have read some primary source material and made plans to read more. I have started actively looking for some sort of online community to sort of listen in on, and joined a couple of mailing lists. I have started reevaluating my practices and incorporating information I have gleaned from all of the above sources as well as discussions on TC into said practice.

I have also sort of dabbled a little more in divination. However, to ensure that I do not get sidetracked, I have put this on the back-burner until I’ve done more work on my religious path. I am exercising some self-control and not just running after the next shiny thing that comes along.

I am reevaluating my altar configuration. I am embroidering an altar cloth for it, and when that is complete I will probably rearrange it. The fountain is coming off, the altar cloth going on, and I am switching candleholders out at the very least. Anything else is currently undecided.

That’s all I can think of right now…

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that something needs added to my little work-shrine to fill the hole the candle left.  I’m not sure it has to be anything like a candle, though.  I don’t need the candle for the little daily noon-thing I do, really.  As for representations of flame, well, the sun-image pretty well takes care of that, doesn’t it?  But something’s missing, I think.  Something needs to go in there.  I’m not sure what yet.  It may be an “I’ll know it when I see it” kind of thing.

Well, the altar cloth is all ready to go.  I have the supplies (I’d still like to find variegated orange and yellow floss, but I have plain-color already if I don’t find that) and the pattern has been transferred onto the linen.  All I have left to do is embroider it and trim the one edge so that it’s a square.  I think it’s looking pretty good so far, or rather as good as a plain old pattern on linen will look.

I think I’m going to wait until vacation to do the actual embroidery.  I’m not sure why; I mean, I could start it any time I wanted to, and it’s a relatively small project.  It just…  seems like the thing to do.

I’m also thinking sunrise on the Solstice on the beach.  It’ll be the middle of the week we’re there.

I had started doing a prayer at noon, and at the same time lighting a candle, then leaving it lit for half an hour or so.  (I was rather proud of myself for coming up with a little Apollo-shrine that could sit on my desk in plain sight:  a sun-image like the one I use in this blog, flanked by “I donated to/support these causes” pins for women’s heart health and breast cancer, all of the above pinned to the cube wall just above desk level, with the candle sitting in front of the whole thing.)  This practice kind of hit a brick wall today when I found out that open flame is a no-no in my workspace.  Silly company, not wanting its cubes burnt down.

So now I’m trying to decide what to do about it.  Obviously, actually lighting a candle is right out.  But is it so important to have that aspect of what’s going on that I need to come up with a substitute?  Will a substitute do?  Or is it better to just let it go if I can’t have the real thing?

I keep going around in circles on divination. I still think there’s an element of “do not ask questions you do not want to know the answer to”, but at the same time… Well, part of not being good at it is that I’ve never put any serious effort into it. And I think that, approached the right way, it could be a valuable addition to my practice. I keep touching on it and then running off, though, unable to stick to it.

And by “divination” here I really mean “tarot”. If you think I suck at interpreting pictures on cards, just wait until you see me trying to make sense of how a handful of coins or shells or whatnot landed! (Just an example. But tarot is the form of divination that makes the most sense to me, in general. Even if “the most” is not much.)

I think that it’s worth pursuing. But I think that it has to wait, too. I must discipline myself at some point. I can’t just go run off after every shiny thing that comes along. I know how that makes me feel, which is to say, like shit. If I’m going to make a serious go at pursuing a Hellenic path, I need to get deeper into it first. I need to do more research there and get settled into it before I run off chasing the next idea. Otherwise I’ll be back to the same old same old, always flitting from one thing to another and never settling down to seriously learn.

When the time does come… I think it might be time to consider my selection of tarot decks. I currently own two, of which one (Celtic Tarot) is somewhat useful and the other… is pretty, but doesn’t say anything to me at all (Tarot of a Moon Garden). I’m not getting rid of either of them, as they were both important gifts to me, but I may need to add something. Perhaps a standard Rider-Waite deck (or clone); as much as I’ve knocked them in the past, this most recent exercise has taught me that they do have something to say to me after all.