The Song and the Flame

I’m so confused today. Ever since that discussion on TC about whether sex should be part of everyone’s religious practice (or religion), the question of what exactly constitutes a religious belief has been floating in the back of my mind. What makes my beliefs about, say, personal responsibility religious and not just personal morals? What sets half of that stuff in my list apart? Things like faith, afterlife, concept of deity–those things have a pretty obvious connection to religion, I think. But responsibility, love, ditziness, pain, guilt, forgiveness… All of these things can be dealt with secularly, and chances are good that my thoughts on them will probably read very secularly. What gives them that tie to religion?

What is religion?

What the hell am I doing with this blog anyway?

Does any of this really matter?

I think this is part of my problem here. I don’t even know where I’m going. I have no sense of what direction I’m travelling in, or if I’m just running around in circles. And then some. It’s not just that I sometimes wish I had a roadmap… It’s that even if I had a map I’m not sure it would do any good, because I’m not sure I’d be able to figure out my position on that map in the first place. Sometimes I wish I had a map with a big, bright red arrow pointing and saying, “YOU ARE HERE”. How am I supposed to make progress like this?

In our bathroom, there is a candle that mostly used to live on the side of the bathtub. It’s pretty much been used when I’ve been taking baths and wanted to set a quiet, relaxing mood. Anyway, so a couple of weeks ago, it was sitting on the back of the toilet along with a lighter. As I was getting into the shower for the purification part of my weekly ritual, candle and lighter both fell down for no apparent reason. Luckily, the glass the candle is poured in did not break. Being normally skeptical about “signs”, I almost hesitated to think that this was significant at all. But then I decided, no harm in following through. If it was some sort of request, I’ve been a good girl, and if not I have a pretty candle to help set mood, right? So since then, that candle lives on the counter and gets lit just before I get into the shower for the purification part of ritual.

It has inspired some thoughts, as I sit there doing the post-cleansing, still-in-the-shower singing/meditation/worship stuff. I can see the flame (well, flames–it’s one of those with three wicks) through the shower door when I’m sitting down, but it’s distorted by the wavy plexiglass and the steam that accumulates on same. Sometimes I try to wipe away the steam, to see the candle better, but of course that doesn’t do much good because the plexiglass is still all wavy. The thought floated through my mind that this was a physical analogy for what I am trying to do… I am trying to see clearly something which is hidden from me, and I think that if I just remove this one flimsy barrier I’ll be able to see better, but there is something else which will always prevent me from seeing clearly.

The real questions, of course, are: What am I trying to see? What is the flimsy barrier? What is the real one?

My first gut reaction to that was that I was trying to see Apollo clearly, and I thought that if I could just get rid of the self-confidence issue that would be possible, but my own humanity will always get in the way anyway. But… The more I think about that, the more I’m not sure. It’s not just Him I’m trying to see clearly. I’m trying to get to the heart of what I believe, too, and even as deities go ideally I’d like to understand more than just Him… Sometimes I worry that I’m focusing too much on Him, like I’m trying to replace the single god of my youth with a different single god, and I don’t know if that’s really a good thing. (Not that I don’t believe in other gods, you know… I just have no contact with Them right now.) So in that, my initial interpretation is flawed. The flimsy barrier… Could also be my own ignorance about life in general (hey, I’m only twenty-five–I figure I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve also got a lot to learn) or religion specifically, or it could be my general spazziness, or I could have been right the first time. I dunno. I’m inclined to think that the problem of simply being human is indeed the real barrier, although to some extent that feels like the answer came too easily and there must be more to it.

Of course, then I started pondering the fact that the door can be opened, allowing a clear view… That was when I started to think I might be overthinking the whole thing.

Over on TC, Shay said something to the effect that if nothing else, the religious searching she had done had given her patience. The ability to stop trying to do everything at once and just focus on one thing. I began to think… Is this perhaps a part of the problem I’m having keeping up with this whole process? Am I trying to do too much at once? Think about too many things at one time? Am I being too impatient? Wanting everything to happen at once, and then feeling bad when I can’t make it happen?

Perhaps I am… I don’t know. I had thought I’d slowed down somewhat. But maybe I’m still trying to go faster than I should. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much about making progress and let it happen as it will. I guess I’m just afraid that if I do that, I’ll get lazy and not ever get anywhere.

Another slow week. Blargh. The last couple of weeks it’s been the play; this week I just can’t friggin’ think. I feel awful about neglecting this so much, but at least this week I do have fairly concrete evidence that I’m not just making up excuses. Because I can see it in other areas of my life too.

A good example: Last night I accidentally shut one of our cats in the linen closet overnight. The part that proves my point is that I saw her go in when I opened it, but almost immediately forgot she was in there and closed the door behind her after I’d gotten what I needed out of the closet. (I feel really bad about it, but she seems to have forgiven me, as she came and sat on my lap for a while this morning.)

So the doubt thing came up on TC recently, and I was thinking about how I had realized that my original outlook on the whole issue was kind of wonky. I started wondering… What else might I be wrong about? So… This entry is sort of an experiment, I guess. I may decide that I was right in the first place. But I think it’s worth looking at things from other angles just to see.

The obvious place to start would be with something I go to extremes on, and feel (so far!) that I’m right about. So… Personal responsibility?

I’ve always taken “the Gods help those who help themselves” to the extreme; I tend to try to do everything myself, and only ask for help when I’m clearly out of my league. (What with the not being able to cure cancer and so forth.) “Always take what mundane steps you can” seems to translate, for me, into asking for help only after I’ve exhausted the mundane possibilities open to me.

Is that right?

I think it is good to take mundane steps. And to accept responsibility if those steps get screwed up or don’t wind up helping or whatever. I try not to second-guess the Gods too much, but I somehow doubt they want to run around just doing everything for us. But… Is it right to save that request for help until there’s nothing left for the situation but to pray and hope? I don’t know. It’s a sticky sort of situation. A good relationship, I think, goes both ways–and I think that holds true for human/Deity relations just as much as human/human relations. The thing is, though, that in order for that to happen, I have to let it go both ways, don’t I? I have to allow myself to lean on someone outside myself in order for someone to be there to be leaned on. Yes? But… At the same time, I am wary of asking too much, or too often. I have a great fear of annoying people, much less Gods.

I suppose the trick is, as with anything, to strike the right balance. Which of course requires recognition that there is a balance to be struck–and that going way over to the “don’t ask for help” end of the scale isn’t balance. Naturally, this is the hardest part… And maybe I have a long way to go yet. But I think I’ve made some progress with this entry.

(And of course, as to how much to ask, there’s always the ever-obvious, thwackworthy “Ask Them, dumbass!” *G* Perhaps I should think about that, too. I seem to run around in circles trying to answer things, but forget to just up and ask what it is that’s required of me.)

This is one subject I didn’t even think to put in the list, because I hadn’t given it much thought, but a discussion over on TC reminded me about it. I suppose the term “other religions” is misleading, since I would first have to actually have a religion for the others to be “other than”. But you get the idea.

There is sometimes a sense, in that nebulous thing we call the Pagan community or the Pagan movement, that Pagans should be accepting and open-minded. That as long as someone has a religious point in their own mind, and their system works for them, it’s valid and acceptable, and no one should speak out against it because they can’t prove that their system is any better.

There was a time when I would have agreed. Now, I beg to differ.

I don’t see a need to accept everything. I honestly can’t say that I have found the one true way–I would have to have found a way, at all, first–but I do believe that there are some things people believe which are just outright wrong. Sometimes factually wrong, sometimes morally or ethically wrong. I don’t think that’s something to be avoided. If I were to try to accept something I felt was morally wrong, wouldn’t I be in violation of my own morals? How can I justify doing that? Just because other beliefs exist doesn’t mean that they have any claim on me. I do not need to follow their morals; I need to follow mine. And mine say that some beliefs, and some actions performed based on belief, are wrong. And if I try to accept something that seems to be factually wrong… I just can’t conceive of that. Should I accept that 2+2=3 just because someone said so?

That said, I think there is a place, and even a need, for tolerance. The thing is, I think a lot of people mistake tolerance for acceptance. Acceptance is saying that yes, this is a good and a valid thing. Tolerance is merely agreeing to put up with it, and doesn’t imply any kind of support or validation. We’re all stuck with things the way they are, so we might as well get used to it. Live and let live, agree to disagree. And I think that is quite valuable, because it allows us all to live together with a minimum of friction. But I think it’s a completely separate thing from acceptance.

Coming back to the subject at hand, how does this apply to my views about other religions? I would tend to say that I accept most of the ones I’ve run into. They seem to work out pretty well for their followers, and I mostly haven’t run across anything which gives me the kind of moral or mental shudders that would reduce “accept” to “tolerate”. Those I don’t accept, I tolerate. But by and large, I feel like most religions have something to offer, some grain of truth or inspiration which can be found in their teachings. Some more than others, but it’s always there. (And I suppose this is part of my reasoning behind the “assignments” idea, which I guess isn’t getting off the ground this month, as a start-at-the-beginning-of-the-month thing anyhow.) I would tend to say, though, that I also feel there’s some flaw in all of them that I’ve run across so far which makes it not quite fit right for me. (In some cases, though, I’d be hard-pressed to point out exactly what it is, again hence the assignments.)

That’s all I have to say for now, but I’m not sure if I really said anything at all, when it comes right down to it. Maybe this should have been a “part I”.

Okay. I’m finally feeling somewhat alive again. A bit tired, but not so sleep-deprived as I was. And this morning’s headache has even faded away. So maybe I can get to thinking about religious stuff again. Since nothing in particular is springing to mind, I’ll just choose a random topic off my list and start in on it, and see where I go.

Forgiveness. I’m not sure what to say about this one, really. I guess I’ll start with defining it. I think when a lot of people think of forgiveness they think of saying, “Oh, it’s OK, don’t worry about it.” I don’t think it has to be something that says that what was done was OK, though. You don’t have to condone what someone did to forgive them for it. I think it’s more along the lines of just agreeing to put it behind you, regardless. “What you did might have been bad, but I’m willing to get on with life now.” Sort of like that. Of course, on the flip side, forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you erase their offense from your memory. You don’t let the employee you caught stealing go back to running the cash register. You fire them–but you also don’t waste your time and energy dwelling on how they personally betrayed your trust.

I think forgiveness is important. If you don’t forgive someone for something they’ve done, it’s just too easy to get all hung up on what they did. You get stuck in the past, and it begins to color your actions in all sorts of ways. In order to get on with life, you must forgive. Of course, it won’t always be easy. I’m not saying it should be. Sometimes it is difficult, especially when the offense was a very bad one. But it should happen eventually.

The hardest thing, though, can sometimes be to forgive yourself. Well, OK, maybe not for everyone… But it can be, sometimes, for me. Other people I can forgive very easily for most things; I’m not interested in hanging on to old grudges for the most part. (I might joke about it, as I do with Tim and Dad getting me into running lights for the theater, but I don’t actually hold it against them.) Myself, though… That’s different. I expect perfection from myself, and when I don’t get it (which is often), I get upset and angry with myself for having screwed up. Even if it doesn’t matter. Even if no one else cares.

I don’t think there’s really an easy way to fix that, either. It’s probably tied in with the whole self-esteem thing somehow, but whether it’s the chicken or the egg I’m not sure. It’s something you just have to kind of work on. I think I’ve been getting better lately; I can screw up a little without getting all worked up over it, or at least let go of it relatively easily if I do get worked up. I’ve still got a ways to go, but it’s progress.

Geesh. I didn’t mean for that to come back to self-esteem. I was trying to sort of get away from focusing on that; I’ve done what I can for now and I need to think about some other things while I see if it’s working. After all, this is my religion blog, not my self-esteem blog.

And I’ve also just realized–how does religion fit into all this, as opposed to personal ethics or something?… Hrm. Divine forgiveness is something I haven’t got a clue about just now, so I guess it will have to wait for another brainstorming session.

My brain’s just… Gone again. I can’t seem to come up with any thoughts about anything. (Hence the question about finding direction over on TC.) This may be because it was such a busy weekend, and then this week all of the sudden I’ve got lighting for a production of Julius Caesar to worry about, with the show going up Friday. I dunno. I don’t really want to lose touch with my efforts here, but at the same time there are just no thoughts there.

Perhaps starting on those “assignments” I talked about earlier would help. It is the beginning of a new month; this would be a handy time. But again, where to start? I’m tempted to start with Greek Reconstructionism because I already know where to find info on that, and I have poked into it a little bit in the past so I have a head start. But I dunno, maybe I should start with something I haven’t looked into yet.

Maybe I should start by listing some religions I’d like to include in my list of things to find out more about. It’s going to be kind of a long list, and I know I’ll never more than scratch the surface of most of these, but still… Let’s see… Most of these aren’t so much out of an interest in pursuing them as a path for myself, but rather just curiosity for curiosity’s sake.

• Greek Reconstructionism (like I said, I’ve poked at it a couple of times, but want to know more)
• Kemeticism
• Asatru
• Buddhism
• Hinduism
• Judaism
• Islam
• Christianity (I’ll narrow that down later; although I was raised in a Christian church, it wouldn’t hurt to look into some other denominations that I’m not as familiar with)
• Feri
• Discordianism
• Satanism

I think that’s enough for now. I’ll probably get into other more obscure religions later if time permits, and I’m sure I’ve left something off the list as it is, but if I spend a month on each there’s already enough there for not quite a year’s worth of study. (I guess I could add Wicca to the list and make it a full year. But really… Wicca was “my thing” when I first converted, so I already know quite a bit about it, as far as public knowledge goes. I’m looking to expand my basic knowledge of things I’m not familiar with here.)

Oh, and, uh… If anyone has any wonderful suggestions about sources for any of those (beyond the ever-popular “RTFE!”) they would be much appreciated.